A third resuscitation.

A large part of me wanted to stray away from updating this blog because it started feeling mildly masturbatory (I thought that since no one was commenting on my posts, no one must be reading/interested). In an attempt to continue sharing the ideas I was learning/consuming, I was motivated to update in Rough Draught, a blog a bunch of old friends contributed to back in 2008-9, but the absence of enthusiasm from one of the contributors put a really sour taste in my mouth. As a result, I'm taking a step back from Rough Draught for now, and I'm also getting over the fact that no one might be reading this blog -- I should just write because this space is a good platform (much better than Tumblr) to archive my experiences. I also really want to finish one blog project (ART ART ART) that I never got around to finishing.

Back to that aforementioned sour taste in my mouth (CAUTION: THIS IS A RANT!)--I'm coming to terms (note: I'm using the present tense of 'to come' because I'm still not absolutely sure how I feel about all of this) that some people just don't give a shit. You might imagine that the principles characterizing an  individual during the years you've known that person would carry over even in your absence. This is obviously not the case for some because people adapt (note: I am not using adjust because adjust would imply a temporary nature to the occasion) to other people/(and their) beliefs--and you know what, that is absolutely fine (even expected as we walk through life), so long as it doesn't damage the (good) principles people (the ones you've shared tremendous amounts of experience with) once assumed you had.

The past few months have been enlightening when it comes to friendships--I've come to terms that my definition of friendship is too static/hopeful/unrealistic--too susceptible to failing. Just because you share your life with someone for years (whether this relationship was once romantic, or never romantic and always platonic), their admirable characteristics might shift into not so admirable ones. Forcing yourself to (platonically) love these individuals is unreasonable if they're not reciprocating. I'm shifting gears a little bit here--this second rant is inspired by an entirely different individual, who will too go nameless.

To be taken for granted, to be betrayed is something that happens in close friendships sometimes, but you (i.e. me as a friend) take these things lightly if you really care about the person--you so to speak "put them [the issues] on the backburner" in an attempt to make the friendship work. But what happens when these negative experiences just continue accumulating? Do you break up with a friend? I haven't "broken up" with a close friend since high school (I still stand by this break up to this day), and I never thought it would happen again because I imagined this ideal world where the people I defined (and chose) as "friends" during college (in my mind, "more mature years") were trustworthy, compassionate, genuine individuals. The type of people you see yourself growing old and happy with. Unfortunately, I recently broke up with one of my closest friends because the accumulation of negative experiences became exhausting. It got to the point where speaking to each other turned into an argument, and not the constructive type (I'm all for constructive arguments). I don't know if me writing this post is an attempt to reach out to this former (oof, that sounds so absolute) friend, you know, as a closure statement--alas, I hope my "break up" isn't taken with a grain of salt (I care [note: present tense of 'to care'] about the friendship even right now)--it is my last intention to be a heartless, cold bitch.